onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
