I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
he kept bringing up different times we had sex and i wouldnt say anything back. i would never confirm nor deny the situation...like a politician ya kno
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
did i just pee glitter
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