Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
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yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
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candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
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