I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
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