During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
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i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
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One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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