Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
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