If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
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