just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
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