I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.