Jerry, you need to find god
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
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