I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
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