I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
google image searching george stephanopoulos at 1 AM on a saturday night...once again
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
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