It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Randomize
