good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
What part of the grouping of the words "anal beads" confuses you?
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Randomize
