i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Randomize
