My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Randomize
