he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
Randomize
