Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
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