I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
