She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
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