saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
Randomize
