just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
the mandatory saturday morning class for those written up by RA's turned into a gold mine...just met EVERY hot chick that parties.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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