See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Randomize
