Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
