just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
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