Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
Randomize