Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
Randomize
