don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Randomize
