maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
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One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
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