and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
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