I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
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