Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
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