her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
Tumblr User Tells Story About A ‘Demon Gets Adopted By A Grandma’& It Needs To Be A F**king Movie
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
20+ Kids Who Probably Didn’t Mean To Draw Hardcore Porn
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy