I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
She bit a glass in half.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I know he is still a student. I am not asking if his being an underwear model makes it more ethical, just less prosocutable.
I HOPE YOU ENJOY THIS VDIEPO BECAUSE I AMS ENDIONG A LOKT OF EFFORT RECORIDNG IT
I ONLY PARTIALLY KNOW WHAT YOU SAID. BUT I THINK I WILL LIKE IT.
I effort
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
Randomize
