and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
Randomize
