Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Randomize
