Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
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