You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
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The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
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I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
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