I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
Naked Twister starts at high noon
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Randomize
