I will die if light touches me.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
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