I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
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