She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
Has anyone heard from Jamie or has she actually just been having sex for 48 hours?
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
