Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize
