I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
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