he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
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