Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
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The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
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At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
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