i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
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Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
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...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
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