Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
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