Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
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