I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
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