ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
