i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
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