She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
