My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
