I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
Sober January is a disaster.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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