1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
i figure now that we're number one party school im obligated to black out at least 4 days a week. andddd go.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
