Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
wake up i wanna do it froggy style
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
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