I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
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