I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Randomize
