what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
are any of them hardcore sluts...just absolute worthless human beings? if not the paper wins
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
