I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
69 |D_O
wtf does that mean??
it's a very specialized emoticon, means 'i heard you fucking some dude through my bedroom wall last night and so i listened intently"
this beer tastes like vomit already
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
