She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
