so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
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